I'm so glad It's over. Now I can focus. But it's bittersweet to know you still suffer. There's a reason to every little rhyme. Now that you see it's not worth it, how will you buy your way out of this one? You've drilled yourself far beneath my feet. And you scream but your lungs cannot reach me. Down there you've got pots and porridge. I'd let down a rope if I had one to spare.

This morning

I woke up at 9am to a hail of sirens. Usually I would just try an ignore it and force myself back to sleep, but I couldn't this time. It wouldn't stop... Like a hundred sirens going off and it just wouldn't stop!

So I get up and go outside and see cruiser after cruiser after CRUISER slowly driving through the intersection, like there was a parade of cops or something.. I stand there and watch as car after car roll by. one minute.. two minutes.. it never ended! It's like when you're the first one to get stopped at a train crossing, "Time to pull out a book.." and they all had their sirens on going 5 mph through town.

So I look around at other people, and everyone's going about their business like nothing's going on. I'm a pretty hard sleeper, this shit woke me up and forced me outside, and you're going to continue playing tennis and doing laundry like nothing's going on?! Am I fucking dreaming or what?!

Shit like this happens all the time (anytime I'm forced to wait in order to keep doing what I want i.e. traffic jams, train stopping ont he track right in front of me, etc.), and honestly I don't care as LONG as I know WHY. So I come back inside and go online and look at the news. Nothing. Nothing as to why 200+ cop cars are strolling through town in a single file line with their sirens blaring like an air raid siren... I mean cmon... 9am on a saturday? fuck cops, man.

A New Beginning

Ok. Is it wrong to like being alone? Because it feels wrong. Maybe I won't always be like this... A question:

Have you ever gone through major changes in your life, and noticed yourself drifting further away from everyone you once knew, and felt resentment for yourself because of this? I wish I wasn't so hard on myself sometimes.

I hope they don't think I'm stupid and weird for wanting to slow down after 5 straight years of just not giving a fuck. This isn't easy. These people aren't used to this. I hope I don't look back on my life when I'm dying and feel regretful about this... I just want to grow up.

I always knew I'd be the one to leave, I just never wanted to. I still don't. I wish I didn't feel this way... they're just having fun...

I hope they know I don't hate them.

2009... a new beginning.

GL HF

hanging from a stud o'er white porcelein wells
where she empties her colors and wipes all the tears off from
black shiny pupils, how vibrant they once were when
you were much stronger
she was much stronger then

run from me when i'm the one who showed you the ocean
when you had your floaty wings, safe from the drowning
the sharks are there waiting for a perfect opportunity
don't dare leave a drop of red


well if you can hear me please breathe in deeply and
pray the plane see's you as you're drifting aimlessly
pray the plane see's you...

i pray the plane see's her.

Promise

Slowly, but surely... Only one fucking chance here. I forgot myself once I came back. I wonder if we really come back after we die, or we actually die many times while we're alive, and come back as something purer every time. Well, I think she killed me, but, maybe, I was holding on too tight - Nothing is ever one person's fault. I just wanted her to be happy.


Have you ever felt like there was only one chance you had to do something, and even in knowing this, you ruined it anyway? I guess this is what it feels like to kill yourself. It actually didn't feel that bad... Maybe death is such a bad experience, like a rite of passage. I've never had anyone close to me die, but I don't think it should be something to mourn. Sure the person leaving your life is hard, but it's inevitable, so why not be happy for them? That person has left - in peace, with everything they've come to realise. Matt Embree says "The past is just a graveyard for the lonely ghost regret" and Anthony Green says "From Winter brings the Spring again" the next funeral I go to I'll be in the front row smiling. I hope nobody thinks that I killed 'em.

I've also been learning how to not get so down when something "bad" happens, and the first step is to realise when I'm angry or sad and just take a breath. It happens for a reason, and getting mad or sad about doesn't help (those actually seem to be like selfish emotions). Not realizing it or holding it inside doesn't help either. It does feel better to let it out, I understand, but if I can learn how to convert the potential energy, those negative words into positive action, it would really make a difference.

A promise to myself - I'll make this change, for us.

You Were The Cancer

by geoff rickley (thursday).....(holy god damn shit...)

It's the sigh of a building falling down
It's the world spinning us around
It's the slip of the surgeon's knife
And the darker crimes of common existence
It's a missile sleeping in the ground
It's a camera trying to photograph a sound
It's a case for the basic flaw
The end of the film in the coming attractions
It's a cell that's spinning out of control
It's a light at the edge of a black hole
Scream of an orchestra
Total collapse or an overreaction

In your blood there is a sad, sad song
Circulating through your nervous system
It's killing you but it's bringing me along
You were the cancer in my life
You were the cancer all the time
You were the cancer
That's all you'll ever be

It's the comfort in a bathtub full of ice
It's the promise of a peaceful afterlife
Or the string of a violin wound too tight
It's gasping for oxygen
It's a signal that's sent out over the air
At the speed of a thousand unheard prayers
It's the faith in the chemicals
A shot in the dark the size of a particle
It's blood from the neon sign
Trying to light a way through your insides
Make a map of the badlands
Watch your life slip through your hands

They're not for shaking
They're not for praying
They're just for holding close - Everything you love in this fragile little dream

I see you're coming down
And no one knows where
I see you're coming down
Without a prayer

You were the cancer in my life
You were the cancer all the time
You were the cancer
That's all you'll ever be

Your blood is a sad, sad song
Bleeding through your nervous system
It's killing you but it's bringing me along
It's a sound that's spinning out of control
It's a light at the edge of a black hole
Scream of an orchestra
Total collapse of an overreaction



inspiration just kicked me in the jaw with this one.

a rather disturbing vision

my musical idols, a philosophical hero, matt embree and the rx bandits were looking for another guitarist and somehow i ended up being that lucky soul. i don't know the specifics, but there i was driving the van to some house/show that we were scheduled to play/hang out for the next couple nights. i ended up getting lost for a little bit, but i found my way back quickly. this kind of annoyed matt though, i don't know why, it doesn't seem like him to get annoyed by something that trivial, we still had plenty of time to make it there. we get to the place and it's like a log cabin, but the whole house is a big living room. there were all kinds of people there. everyone seemed to be happy and getting along nicely with one another, but i felt like something was unsaid, like everyone was happy because they were high or something.. so i sat there, quiet, trying to grasp what was happening. let me say, joe troy is the nicest fucking guy.. in real life, outside the chain reaction, i remember him handing out sandwiches. in my dream he was the only one who would talk to me, asking me questions, for the most part. every time i tried talking to matt, he would ignore me or brush me off like i was embarassing him or something. this continued until i woke up, and now i can't listen to his voice without thinking about that nightmare... sucks... i've met matt in real life and he was the holiest, most positive person i've ever come across. i've never felt so nervous in front of, yet accepted so much by anyone in my life. i swear i felt something.. magical when he patted my shoulder as i walked away.. so why was he this big ass douche in my dream?

i think i know, that i relate rx bandits too much to a person that i now pretty much despise, because we used to enjoy the music so much together.

i can't enjoy it now like i used to. she reminds me of how fragile a person can be but i see it in myself i'm letting go of all i've ever learned about you just as you have of yourself / well i'm not like you all the time was wasted, how do you go on thinking nothing is wrong? long gone.

Survivors

the morning star lights the pages that fill my mind
an optimistic dream, so distantly beaming back at me
and the only thing i've left to hold on to.. holding on

you work, work, work
for a time believed more valuable
but when the one returns
ya think He'll take you home?

is this all we can do?
making our mother's proud..

in such a bind as this, bounded
by an institution blind, devoid
where am i to go if i were to just let it all go?
and call this genesis...

you work, work, work
for a time believed more valuable
but when the time has come
ya think He'll take you home?

it feels so lonely (loneliness), keeping me company...

you know, it's right in front of me..
watching, waiting

oh, what an optimistic dream this is
the fear of belief
feeling nothing
losing responsibility
rising above

in believing nothing, i fear a feeling
in knowing what's about to happen...

and it's only gonna get worse.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


you won't care to hear it, i know
but sometimes it just feels better
letting go.

the only route i need to know

i dont buy it - the biggest hypocrite is i

so i'm just spending the day sideways on the couch, healing. and i was just thinking about how maybe, the internet with all its social networking capabilities is really just hampering our communication skills. With twitter, myspace, facebook, even blogs like these - it gives someone an oppurtunity to be fake like a new media to plaster their lives up for the world to see.. like that's all the internet is for.. it's so fucking sad.

it seems like the people who i revere as socially gifted, don't even waste their time trying explain how things are shitty, good, whatever - especially on the internet... it really doesn't matter!.... i mean, really, if something sucks, why would you want to share it? or if something really good happened, whats this need for putting it on blast? the need for self-confirmation? if you like what you're doing, do it, and like it. i'm sorry if i give you my point of view on all your "success" but wasn't that what you were looking for in the first place? or are you just one of those that always need attention?

i feel a little less fragile and a little more human now that my mind is learning this all over again, and i am consciously noticing it. <-hhahaha see what i did there?

anyways, life's moving forward yaddayadda. these are just my thoughts on the crutch we call the internet. whatever you need, it's here, just waiting for some dishonest fingers to press some buttons.

holy SHIT at rx's new song..

bring our children home or everything is nothing

So tell me:
..how long do you think you can go before you lose it all?
Before they call you bluff and watch you fall?
I don't know, but I'd like to think I had control
At some point, but I let it go and lost my soul
Sit tight, but the revolution's years away
I'm losing faith and I'm running low on things to say
So, I guess I have no choice but to regurgitate
The tired anthem of a loser and a hypocrite
Oh! To have died that night, I realized it wouldn't last
Our days were numbered and the reaper tipped the hourglass
The final mayday of our sinking ship had come and passed
Oh! To the west, you don't know what it is you're running from
And everybody's laughing loud
Your last chance to make your mother and your father proud..

so i had this sick dream last night where fireballs were raining from the sky and blowing shit up and i was dodging them all around. i found sanctuary in the ocean.

then i woke up to this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/as_koreas_nuclear

sigh... i'm so over all this. when are people going to wake up??

(i know you're up there)

Switchball

"and i will not be afraid to love i will not be afraid to lose what i once deprived myself of." this has gotten (quite) intoxicating and im not yet blind where did she go? from the cracks in a social map teeming with so many colors - the ink still runs there you are, your mouth has speedy legs (all the better to lose me with) your life is spared by an alibi ive thrown my caution to the sky once again and there's happiness for all who fall yet build it up, once again this lighthouse for all - to see themselves on and we're off it's been feeling like a long long while (good things come to those who wait) but i don't mind waiting for love, just smile the trees grow plenty and it has nearly every season so blanket in the light, try out what we find inside what will she call to say? i already know something she needs and i've run out of had you come down would there be an us? some things i just dont care to know ive thrown my caution to the sky once again and there's happiness for all who fall yet build it up, once again this lighthouse for all to see themselves on

bring on the weekend

deadbeat daughter

"run.
from familiar arms.
into their embrace.

you are the one who fell from grace-
fell from grace for them, is there a reason why??"

i'm over it now.. still, not a day goes by..

so

i'm loving watching the transformation life's finally taking. finally got a job with sony, license will be back in 5 weeks, and there's a pad with warm people waiting for me when i decide to break away. so long as i continue to project energy into the universe, i'm confident my world will keep changing.

I haven't written anything in a while, just been so busy. Reading the Celestine Prophecy. My mind is expanding faster than I ever thought it could, it's crazy. Such a good book. I'm literally just enjoying all the positives in my life and taking everything one step at a time.




My Aunt Dee died on Thursday. I'm so proud of my mom, though. She's by far the strongest woman I've ever known.

oh, and get well Chi

@least

i'm THIS close to running off.
or blowing my head away, whichever.

EVERYONE in my life is settling for less.
well, not everyone.. more like 99%

why am i searching so hard for something i know might not last anyways?

when i was young, i didn't mind being alone. now i can't even get a reply. (not just from you)

i'm fucking pathetic... but.............

atleast i'm not doing heroine.
atleast i'm not wasting my money on things i want.
atleast i have talents.
atleast i'm funny.
atleast i'm young, tall. smart.
atleast i'm an optimist. (thank god)
atleast i have friends, even if I think they're fucking crazy.
i'm crazy too.
atleast i qualify for unemployment.
atleast i make my mom proud.
atleast i have realistic goals, and i'm actually working towards them...

(sigh)

It's just been hard...

i like pretending like i have it all figured out

sleeping lessons

Go without
'Til the need seeps in
You're low, anymore
Collect your novel petals for the stem

And glow
Glow
Melt and flow
Eviscerate your fragile frame
And spill it out on the ragged floor
A thousand different versions of yourself

And if the old guard still offend
They got nothing left on which you depend
So enlist every ounce
Of your bright blood
And off with their heads
Jump from The hook
You're not obliged to swallow anything you despise
See, those unrepenting buzzards want your life

And they got no right
As sure as you have eyes
They got no right

Just put yourself in my new hooves
And see that I do what I do
Because the old guard still offend (their pudgy hearts and slimy hands)
They've got nothing left on which we depend
So enlist every ounce
Of your bright blood
And off with their heads
Jump from The hook
You're not obliged
To swallow anything you despise
That you despise

-James Mercer

dude. i am SO in love with this right now. just wow

we're back on the game

your eyes are glazed over, your hands can't stay alone.
every hits taking you closer

away

is this what you wanted?
a lifelike cartoon to swim through?
well the bells will toll while the credits roll
an underworld has chosen their leader

a love so disgusting, shouldn't talk so loud

puke away your half-pint dream
just watch as it twists away.
i haven't seen a girl this lost since you lied.
swayed.

so baby girl, twist away.

so

i think i'm too friendly.

but it's like i know when i'm being walked over, and i don't forget that.

"be a little bit meaner" she said
"i got you, man" he said

my body enjoyed the wekeend, but my hearts just like whatever man.

reality

I pretty much love my mom with all my heart. I can't wait until she's free from the clutches of marriage. I've missed her.

jeez It's pouring outside... good thing I have no classes tomorrow. The roof's just drumming away... Rhythmic weather patterns, nice.

I'm working on a cover from Brand New, wont tell you which ;) and a little something I made up myself, which should be done soon.

who am i even talking to? .sigh.

done is done

there's no try, but i'm trying

looking past what's left inside
much less than more, it's possible
to end what's been had before, leave but a fossil.

this is just like your first swim, (dive in)
the new water feels strange at first, i know.
a new face, windows shut with a lock
be a part of it and die. but never try.

the rocket waiting to launch,
the countdown lost in a series of modular knobs and light
this rock floats through space, a waste.

I've never felt so good

when the past has passed on
when will i let go..........

i wish i knew.

A dream, and a show.

This is the first dream;

Stored beneath sheets blue and warm
flies an angel of the night time life.
Once golden bright with new world's in sight,
Now with eyes full of white lines and dim light.

Realize, it's beside my own.
Another queen of equal acidity dances blindly as well
never thinking to ask why..
I think my heart's losing its mind
(or is it my mind that's lost heart?)

I wake up, peel the sheets and
there's a new text staring back at me.
My worst days start with you, a message of the least importance
Tell me why the fuck it's that important?!

We used to be lovers, if not good friends
but it's under these covers, a new love begins......

These pillows seem to know my name....

(Dream number two)
So real
So true
With me, there's you.
A ballet laced with mescaline.
Our bodies trailing in the moonlit night as three
owls sang our song so right
The clothing donned upon arrival had melted off in a boil.
I felt like glue in front of you
captured by your gaze while our muscles did all the work.

Hour-long showers
escaped, each other's towers.

For a while I was nothing,
alone, but not yet tired.

I heard you there before the knock and I knew you weren't alone.
"Put some clothes on," I thought
"This isn't one of your parties"
In this tower, a heart was stolen and
the thief, in this case, even said

"thank you i appreciate it"

I woke up. Fuck today.......

---

I also went to Michael and Triston Palma. sucky night, good reggae..

i love you, Ron Paul

some new shit

as you can tell, these were gifts. i could take the names off but that would ruin it. srsly. nah these are just for practice, much more to come.

KarlFest 2009

May 9, 2009 - $20 Pre-sale
If you live in San Diego and drink Karl Strauss, but do not attend this... just go die or something idk.



what's up.

Unknown

thinking, not required by law;

we're sinking deeper underneath dampened earth, a core...
a black hole event spent staring at a star,
and I wonder...
would it be too much to ask if We just sat here by ourselves,
for the stars can't name themselves
you choose what's left behind you when the world's left you alone
so, do you think you'll be fine, unknown?
or would you -
pick up a gun, stick up someone
just for your name in that paper
or is it for that paper? don't lie
just analyze why in bad times, fake media controls the minds
please don't think for a second that you need it.
I know you must be dreamin.
those lungs wont keep the slightest breath if the heart won't stop quivering. so
would it be too much to ask if I just sat here draped in flesh
you choose what's left behind you when the world's left you alone
so, you think you can stay, unknown?
hold my hand and feel the pulse
as it travels through, so beautiful
beneath your skin an open door so fucking warm
i must explore

and this night, I wouldn't mind if we're unknown.

(work on that last part)

hi. more of an electronic notebook, rly.
I wouldn't trust this hard-drive with a plastic fish.